One day Chris Holt was fine, the next life seemed like a pointless struggle. Depression can strike a[CHARLOTTE MURPHY]“It started last year, when my mother moved into sheltered housing and my sister and I had to sell the family home. Meadow Cottage had been a constant presence in our lives since we were toddlers, so letting go of it was a real wrench.
Every stage was hard. One day my sister called to say she was making a final trip to clear the house.
She was taking things to the tip – including the little blue cot with a lamb on it that our parents bought second-hand in 1965, and which we slept in from the moment we were picked up from children’s homes, both adopted as babies. Nearly 50 years on, it’s also the cot that our own children slept in whenever they visited their Nana.
I had already said my own goodbye to Meadow Cottage but then I began to dream about it – almost every night.
They were dreams of anguish and longing. I’d dream about my first pet, a black cat called Lotti, who is buried in the field behind the house. Or about the garden with its apple trees, rhubarb and gooseberries being smothered in tarmac by the new owners.
I’d dream about my father, who celebrated his 64th birthday with balloons at the end of his downstairs bed just a week before his death from leukaemia in 1995.
The sadness I felt in my dreams would last all day, and around the time of my 48th birthday I realised this was more than just a passing low mood. I felt engulfed by feelings of anger and self-pity. Looking back, I could see only missed chances and what-ifs. Looking forward, I could see old age closing in on my mother.
Sadness laid me low. I could only just summon the energy to teach my usual yoga classes, cook and take the children to school. Anything more seemed too much effort and somehow pointless.
Eventually I admitted I was depressed – not a word I’d used about myself before
Eventually I admitted I was depressed – not a word I’d used about myself before. The first person I talked to was my husband, and immediately that helped. It was so good that he listened without trying to solve anything – he just acknowledged how rotten I was feeling. That gave me the confidence to mention it to other people, and
I was greeted with so much sympathy and support. Just acknowledging it was a big step forward.
One of my friends recommended Moodscope – an online mood-tracking application. Every day you answer 20 questions and it plots your mood over time. This helped me see patterns and changes from day to day, counteracting the feeling that the depression was a huge, immovable mass that might weigh me down for ever.
I made myself go out for some runs. Even if I didn’t run far or fast, just getting out into the park, in fresh air and daylight with my heart pounding, somehow made me feel more human. Starting the day with yoga breathing exercises also helped me feel more able to cope.
Around this time the quarterly newsletter from The Prison Phoenix Trust dropped through the letterbox. The testimonies of people who’ve managed to turn their lives around by practising yoga and meditation while incarcerated are inspiring, so I signed up to support them.
By doing something for someone else, I started to feel more capable and motivated.
I also began going regularly to the local choir. The experience of adding my voice to others and between us creating a beautiful sound was quite exhilarating. After our Christmas concert in the local pub, my eight- year-old son rushed up to me, beaming: ‘That was amazing, Mummy,’ he said. ‘I never knew you could do things like that.’ I was crying again, but happy tears this time.
I’m still sad that our beloved old home is lost to us, but I’m focusing on a daily practice of 10 to 20 minutes’ meditation, gradually developing a stronger sense of equilibrium. I’m learning not to deny my feelings but to cling less tightly to what has long gone.”
Depression Awareness Week is from Saturday until May 3. Visit depressionalliance.org.
Chris found that joining a choir helped her to fight depression [CHARLOTTE MURPHY]Depression can affect anyone. One in nine people will experience depressive symptoms over their lifetime and one in 20 will be diagnosed as clinically depressed at some time. “Depression is the common cold of psychiatry,” says consultant psychiatrist Dr Mike Isaac of the South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust. “People are often surprised by it because they think there’s nothing in their lives to feel depressed about. But there doesn’t have to be a reason – it just happens.”
The difference between depression and simply being fed-up is a matter of degree and time. “Everybody has bad days,” says Dr Isaac, “but depression is a pattern of low mood, increasing feelings of bleakness and being cut off from others, so that it starts to affect how you live your life. If, for the large part of a week, you’re consistently low, it’s possible that you are becoming depressed.” That is the time to talk to sympathetic friends or family, he adds: “Just getting your thoughts out into the open and reconnecting with people can start to help.”
If sharing your feelings doesn’t help or makes you worse, go to your GP. He or she may refer you for counselling or, if the symptoms are very severe, offer medication. “Although anti-depressant drugs can’t cure depression, they can relieve symptoms enough to enable you to marshal your own resources to get better,” says Dr Isaac.
It is also possible to refer yourself for counselling without going to your GP, via the NHS scheme Improving Access to Psychological Therapies
Counsellor Gill Tunstall says: “Sometimes talking to friends and family isn’t enough. They may try to help by pointing out all the things you have to be thankful for, but that will just make you feel worse. You need to talk about the difficult feelings you’re experiencing, and to have them acknowledged. There is a lot of pressure to be in a good mood, so we can get in the habit of hiding our sad feelings, but a good therapist can help you get back in touch with your feelings and identify things you might want to change.”
One of the main reasons people don’t look for help when they’re depressed is because of the negative feelings caused by the depression itself, says Dr Isaac. “You feel ashamed that you’re letting everyone down and you can’t be helped. But the hardest step is making the decision to go and ask for help. The rest is far easier.”
Dr Isaac warns that depression must always be taken seriously, and that those diagnosed with clinical depression are at significant risk of suicide. “The big myth is that if you talk about suicide, you’re not going to do it. That’s completely false – in fact, it increases the risk,” he says. So if someone tells you they’re feeling low, how should you react? “Ask how low and for how long – then say, ‘Let’s go together and get help.’”
Useful contacts
NHS Choices: Call 111 or visit nhs.uk/depression.
Improving Access to Psychological Therapies: iapt.nhs.uk/services.
Helplines Partnership: 0300 330 7777 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting
0300 330 7777 FREE end_of_the_skype_highlighting , search.helplines.org.Moodscope: 01487 830208 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting
01487 830208 FREE end_of_the_skype_highlighting , moodscope.com.Samaritans: 08457 909090 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting
08457 909090 FREE end_of_the_skype_highlighting , samaritans.org.Mind: 0300 123 3393 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting
0300 123 3393 FREE end_of_the_skype_highlighting , mind.org.uk.Sane: 0845 767 8000 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting
0845 767 8000 FREE end_of_the_skype_highlighting , sane.org.uk.Mental Health Foundation: mentalhealth.org.uk.
British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy: 01455 883300 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting
01455 883300 FREE end_of_the_skype_highlighting , bacp.co.uk.Minded Institute: 07988 821323 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting
07988 821323 FREE end_of_the_skype_highlighting , yogaforthemind.info.Yoga and Health: Research and Practice international conference: confer.uk.com/yoga2014.
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